[26 Dec 2009|03:11pm] _fuck_y0u_ [ music | Lykke Li- Tonight ] So I decided a long time ago that I would give up livejournal because theres just no point anymore. But since I've been stuck in this place and every other website is blocked. I figured....why not update. Im bored out of my mind. I really want to get out of here. Unfortunately I wont be able to leave until around my birthday. Blah...... I mean I guess its not so bad, but I just wish I had some company. I feel stuck.... I know its gonna help me out in the long run, but Im just so fuckin lonely. I feel just as bad as when I was in the hospital for 8 days in October and not one person came to see me...... that really sucked considering what I was there for. Now Im on all kinds of medication and I still feel sad every single day. I have so many regrets about the past year and a half, & I think about them every single day. I wish I could just get over everything and move on, but Its so hard for me. & Allens birthday is in a few days, & immediately as I write that, I start crying. ugh I feel so stupid. I dont feel like Im ever going to get over it. Its way worse than a bad break up. Its like a family member dying. Thats what it feels like. Something that even just thinking about it makes you cry.....no matter where you are, no matter who youre with. & with alcohol.....oh man its even worse. Being in this place with no distractions and nothing to do all day long is like being in pergatory. Its like its designed to make you sit here and think about everything you've done wrong in your life. Its nothing but time to be alone with yourself and I hate it. Then theres Corey. Why am I even thinking about him? He broke my heart in the worst way......I dont think any other guy has ever accomplished it fully. I've been hurt many times, but not the way he's hurt me. & the part that still fucks with me, is the fact that I dont even know how or why it ended.... It was so abrupt. Like one day its good, & the next its just over with no explanation......There was so many ups and downs with that guy that I think I cried more than I was happy in the entire relationship........but for some reason, My mind only thinks about the good times and blocks out everything bad. I have never in my life been more myself or more happy and comfortable with a guy than I was with him. Im trying really hard to let it go....but its just something else I think about every day. Especially since I've been in this place. & then last but not least.....theres my father. I keep giving him chance after chance after chance to make things right with me & he keeps fucking up. I still cant believe that he didnt even take my side after seeing what my face looked like after his own brother beat me up. He really questioned it as if I made it up. & then he wouldnt even talk to me. Im a girl that gets beaten by a 250lb 47 year old man, and somehow it gets spun like its my fault..... I just dont get it. Thats the whole reason Im in this whole mess to begin with. Hes supposed to be my dad.....most dads would have beat the shit out of anyone who touches their daughter......but ofcourse not mine. Because its his brother he just pushed it aside like it was no big deal.... I mean..... am I wrong? Should I just forgive him? I dont know.... I need a cigarette...... or 5 post comment

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